February 10, 2003 - 9:45 p.m.
No, thank you.
Strange: it's been two years since Ee and I broke up... I get voice messages from him pretty regularly. It used to make me cringe - I just didn't want to go there anymore... but sometimes there's such a genuineness in what he says that I can be nothing but grateful... I received one such message today.
As he catches me up with little details in his life, he usually thanks me for something. Time and distance has enabled me to see him again as another human being, instead of a source of pain and frustration, so I can accept his gratitude.
Over the years, he's thanked me for silly little things, like finally teaching him how to swallow a friggin pill without gagging... And much larger things that are still having an effect on his life, and decisions he's making now...
It's funny (in a non-laughing way): I never really felt appreciated in our relationship. I was so ready to give at any and every moment, and I ultimately felt like I had been spent... It's nice to be appreciated, even after the fact. It almost makes it worthwhile - the torturous path we travelled together - knowing that I made such positive differences in his life. But it makes me look at my past relationships, and question my position in them... Several times I have taken on the role of "teacher" (or something like it) and I'm not sure that it was ever a good one for me to fill. I am not comfortable being merely a "student" in a relationship either...
I guess everything I've experienced has made me recognize where I am now: I don't want to be a teacher or a student. I want to be, and have, a true partner. Respect, for strengths and weaknesses, and the desire to share, exlpore, learn, and grow, together.
Now, to conjure that into my reality...
