March 20, 2003 - 5:36 p.m.
Fricka-Frack... no one reads this anyway.
Emotional Donkey-Punch:
I am a delicate person - gentle and amazing. I am careful with other people's feelings because I care about them. Gentleness - why isn't everyone practicing this? I cry easily. Not because I am weak, but because I have made a promise to myself that I won't become a hardened bitch. When I try to be "tough" I am only miserable, being out of touch with myself and others. So I allow myself to feel things as deeply as I did when I was a child. It makes for some intense and amazing moments. That takes courage. The difference now is tracing emotions to the source. The path to understanding myself, understanding others. Perhaps I am too perceptive - too observant - too analytical.
Explosions of such volcanic proportions - it goes so far beyond a slap in the face.
Missing you so much. Longing for you. Being happy for you... Being happy for me...
You want to show me something... You open up your screen, there's something there you don't want me to see. Instead of saying "oops!" or offering an explanation (what would have been so hard about saying "Oh, heh, that's a pic of so-and-so. Cool, huh?") to whatever it was I saw - however unitentional - you try to make up some excuse and move across the room. (and I'm thinkin': "huh, that's wierd... is he embarrassed about having porn on his computer?") So I go to you, I ask you: "Do you have porn on your computer?" What would have come next is: "because I don't have a problem with porn - you're not embarrassed are you?" But I never got to that part, because the first words out of your mouth were: "You need to mind your own god-damned business!"
"WHAT?" (I gasp)
And you repeat the same words, adding a few more, like "You need to respect my privacy!"
"Excuse me?!" (I'm in complete horror at this point.)
But, eh-hem, excuse me: Mind my own business? Respect your privacy? I wasn't snooping jack ass - you were going to show me something on your computer - YOU fucked up by not checking what was on your screen before you showed me. Then you try to blame me for asking about it?
And it only got worse from there - while you're flying off the handle I have to now ask myself why you're reacting in this way. What could possibly have warranted such a reaction from you? What IS the big deal? What the hell was it that was so insanely important for you to hide from me?
And then you change tactics for a moment - try to say that you were hiding it out of respect for me... (um, no. Respect is honesty - openness.) You quickly move back to being angry at me. Angry. Angry at what? That I asked you what it was that I saw on your screen that you felt the need to hide so ridiculously from me.
I thought you were embarrassed - but from your reaction it seems that you were not embarrassed, you were being collusive. Then you justify it all by saying that it's my fault for questioning you - condemning me for not "trusting" you.
Huh. Talk about manipulation. You want me down on my knees? Beggin please: "Oh, I'm so sorry - I'll never ask you anything again - ever! I'll be your pretty little "yes" girl. I'll be shallow and superficial. That will make things simple..."
Sorry (um, wait, no I'm not) the more you go up on the intelligence scale, the less "simple" the person. I have a big heart, and with it comes depth. If you want a simpleton, start chasing after those big-foreheaded, beedy little eyed people you love to make fun of. She'll just smile and laugh, with unconditional love, as you donkey punch her.
