February 01, 2003 - 5:34 p.m.
Missing Nothing
It's Saturday... I woke up too early, ate too much, tried to go back to sleep - unsuccessfully. There's an audition coming up that everyone says I should do: "Duh - you'd get the part!" I dunno. Do I want to jump right into the next 4 months having all my time consumed by the theater? I enjoy it, and I feel good on the stage... But it's such a drain on time and energy. And having to wear stage make-up is really a drag! So I guess that's my answer: Nope. I want to do some other things now. Allow my creativity and talent to materialize in other forms... And then... A little voice inside me says: You're doing it again - you do something once, and won't go back to it for a few months, or years - you're afraid of commitment - you're afraid of success. You taste everything, but never consume. I'm so afraid of putting all my time and energy into something and only regretting it later... But then again - if I'm enjoying it while I'm doing it, then how could it ever be a waste? What opportunities could I possibly be missing by doing nothing instead of something?
I went to a karaoke bar the other night, and I realized again how much I do love to sing, why haven't I pursued this? ...I was a little overwhelmed by the positive reaction I got from a bar filled with drunken bikers, old-timers, hippies, and college drop-outs... Strange mix of people, but they all thought I was Alana Myles in the flesh. Everyone that came up to me was sure to let me know that I should be on "American Idol!" Which is ridiculous, but at the same time - hey if a bar full of wierd people in Santa Cruz can collectively enjoy my singing (even if it was a cheesy 80s song), then who's to say they're not a good sample of the general populace? (heh, yeah right!) Maybe I should start opening up to the idea that there are people who might like to hear me. It's funny - I haven't written a song in almost 2 years, and it's been about 5 since I was really into it... At the time, I was working with gothic/industrial/metal musicians - which was great, but I'm not sure if that's what's inside me waiting to be expressed now. I don't have an outlet, and I'm not sure how I should go about creating one... I don't play an instrument - another product of my inability to commit. My guitar never gets out of the case! Aagh! I need a kick in the ass!
