April 04, 2003 - 12:39 a.m.
Icky feeling in my tummy... I'm such a sponge.
Grmph. From the day that I could walk, the thing I practiced most was hiding... being invisible... I hid anywhere I could fit. And darkness - it's so comforting - I felt relief because it makes me that much more invisible... I still miss the places I felt safest - those that I grew too big to fit in anymore... I remember how they smelled: wooden spice~ behind the pots and pans - under the stove... warm comfort~ the linen closet - top shelf, behind the blankets... cold calm~ behind the big wooden bed - mildew from the moisture in the mountains... on-guard~ in the camper/van - dusty, musty... breezy escape~ up in a tree - pine or oak or walnut, as far up as I could get... Basically, I tried to hide anywhere and everywhere. Meanness was all around me, being tossed casually, or launched ferociously...
Harshness is like bacteria - it multipies so quickly, tainting everything it touches, growing stronger and more damaging as it spreads... It hurts me every time I hear something that could have been said in a better way or not at all. Then we bring in the cavalry.
It makes me shudder. It makes me want to hide. I don't feel safe when there is anger afoot - even when it's justified. My own anger scares me - anger in others terrifies me.
It's so sad when people only seem able to express themselves through shock value. The shock wave is hurtful and damaging - to the speaker, the listener, and the bystander... Ick. Ick. Ick...
When I buy or build a house I'll add oddly shaped rooms filled with fuzzy blankets fresh out of the dryer or from a grandma's house... And anyone can have a hiding session whenever they want...
I want cuddles now. Kitty sleeps sweetly - she's got the right idea...
