April 09, 2003 - 10:00 p.m.
Buyer mode... honey, grab my shotgun.
No, wait...
So - work sux when all ya wanna do is be outside... I can't focus on the computer screen in front of me, or the grids and charts, or the faces of the people that all seem so needy all the time - can't they do anything for themselves?
I like being depended upon to a certain extent - I think everyone wants to feel needed... But there is a line between being necessary and being a slave or a savior (which may amount to about the same thing.)
So the minute I leave work I hit traffic, but it's not so bad... I take a deep breath, probably my first one all day, and I smile uncontrollably... I run my errands... I park my car and walk instead of drive...
I run into a friend I haven't seen in a while - she is so elated to see me - it's almost unnerving. She had been going through a crisis and didn't feel right calling me because it had been so long since we spoke last...
Let me just clear something up for the world when it comes to me: the attitude "better never than late" is always wrong. I can't count how many friends and others I've known that feel like if they messed up they can never talk to me again... It's really awful - they think I'm going to be mean, or yell at them... Hello!!! It's ME! I don't pull shit like that (well, I can be mean, but that depends on your attitude). Yes I may be disappointed, but being spiteful is not something I practice. If I ever cared about you, I will always care about you. I'm not a vengeful person. I'm all too happy to have every reason in the world to love everyone in the world. It saddens me deeply to find reasons not to love someone, anyone...
But then again - I am the girl that hates people, too. I just can't stand oblivion on two legs, walking around like no one else exists save for their own whims of pleasure and torture -typical "buyer" mode...
Anyway - I ate the biggest salad tonight, and it had BEEF in it - tee hee: Beef Salad... Bowling was fun. Manirose is my heroine - thank you for letting me break you out of your funk, and for the scalp massage and trim... You broke up some of my monotony as well. YAY!
Mmm, and to Snugglis for the dreams I will have tonight... you give me a reason to go to bed...
