April 22, 2003 - 11:09 p.m.
just ignore this one... i'm retarded.
I wish I could inhabit a different body... even temporarily... I'd not be so tall, and I'd stand up straighter, I'd not be so thin, and I'd have smaller feet, I'd have an adorable face that looks happy by default... That's who I am when I close my eyes... Trouble is, no one else can see me that way and they never will... I don't have a face that beams with cuddly joy - it's just not in my default physical features... When I feel serene, people say I look uncomfortable; happy, nervous; sincere, sarcastic; sarcastic, serious; relaxed, ill; tired, sad... It's like there's a broken link between my mind and my expression... Or a broken link between my expression and everyone else's perception.
I will just never be that adorably cute girl that everyone wants to talk to and be friends with... I don't really know what other people see, except from what I've been told: my closest friends tell me I look like a bitch when I walk down the street. But what comes first: me looking like someone everyone wants to hate, or me becoming that person based on the initial reactions I've become so used to getting...?
It's so natural to respond to negativity by saying "ha! ya don't like it? well here's some more! FU!"
It's hard not to simply be a bitch when that's what people are expecting - it's much too time-consuming and energy-wasting to challenge and reverse assumptions constantly - especially when I'm not sure I really care what they think...
It'd be nice to just be the cute giggly girl. Then I wouldn't offend people's sensibilities when I act like that... Why, when I really act how I feel, do people think I'm faking it? Am I that absurd?
Why should my face dictate my personality or feelings? I'm happy damn it! Happy Happy Happy!!! It would be nice if I could actually share that more often, with more people...
