May 19, 2003 - 10:35 p.m.
Floating
I'm not up, I'm not down. I'm spending every ounce of energy I have, and still I feel like I haven't travelled an inch... Fear and doubt, doubt and fear... Fearing that my doubts are worthless, doubting that my fears are trivial...
But I must say that somehow, the world loves me. I get what I need.
A co-worker brought me home-made soup for lunch and I had a miraculously nice dinner with my sister, my neice, and my sister's boyfriend...
I'm broke, see, and the only thing I can cut out of my budget has been the money I spend on food. It's the only choice without external consequences - internal, yes, but I can deal with my own shit better than I can deal with a spike in my interest rates right now... It sucks, cuz I love food. I love to eat, I love the feeling of taking care of myself. It's not good for me, but if I eat once a day, I can still function. I just can't do much of anything that requires physical endurance... I wish I had a slower metabolism...
I'm closer to making those nasty decisions - I predict mere weeks away - but every time I think I've got it figured out, there's always another side... I need to balance them all out and find the Truth. Trouble is - the truth is so subjective to the ever-changing winds... Well, I'm still afloat. Drifting, but not sinking...
