June 09, 2003 - 11:13 p.m.
Too perfect...
No one trusts perfection. Or is it just me?
Why is it that when things make the most sense, they make the least sense too? Anything obvious is just a trick, right? Can't trust what's right there in front of me. If it's too simple, there's something I'm just not seeing... Am I just so used to conflict that I create it unnecessarily?
For the first time in my life, I have a love that makes sense to my mind as much as the feelings fill my heart. There's nothing desperate in my passion; it's simple, genuine. I am me, no matter what. And me likes how I feel with him.
He doesn't bring me down. He doesn't steal my fire, or try to squelch it. He lets me be me. He's happy for my successes; he would never stop me from growing, learning, pursuing my dreams. And I just adore him. It's real. It's simple. So where's the conflict? Maybe that is the conflict: there is no conflict, and that doesn't make sense to a large part of me. Isn't every relationship supposed to be full of crap to work through and overcome, and by doing so prove that it's worth it in the end? Maybe that's why it's been so scarey. Maybe that's why I feel so vulnerable. There's just some deeply-rooted part of me that thinks something is missing if someone isn't in tears, or another angry. Those emotions show that one cares - they show one is involved and engaged in what is going on in a relationship.
But, lord help me, I want to forget about that rubbish and show him that I care by loving him, joyously, inside and out, every day. And I want him to do the same for me. So, next time I see him, I want us both to giggle and shriek with laughter and excitement - because that's what we both deserve - the feeling of being alive and in love with life, and sharing it with someone who sees you, recognizes you, and loves you, together and separately, even if everything is perfect in those moments...
New attempt: I won't fear love. Even when nothing's wrong...
