June 24, 2003 - 11:42 p.m.
No, it's just allergies, I swear...
I don't know how I feel right now. This is funny for me, because I can usually identify feelings quite well. I'm not depressed, at least in any sense that I've experienced before. I'm not unhappy. I have a lot to be happy and excited about actually. But I just feel *eh*...
I feel like I've become a shadow of myself. I'm not a presence in my own life. No impact. Wholely forgettable. Nothing distinguishing or remarkable about me. I'm just *eh* Hmmm, now I am starting to sound depressed, but really that's not quite it...
It used to be that I was several people's "best friend." I liked that. I liked living up to a standard that I myself projected onto that title. One time, two of my best friends, from different times in my life, and different cities, ended up meeting randomly - and they had a little giggle and tiff about whose best friend I was... Now, I've got me, and Candice. She's really my only girlfriend. I have a scattering of good girlfriends all over the place, but none that I see or even speak with on a regular basis... I love them to death, and I know that when/if I or they visit, it's like nothing's changed, and that's wonderful, but I miss having people to hang out with... I don't have any friends that I can just "hang out" with... It's always got to be an event of some kind...
The other thing that bothers me is that I don't seem to be thought of much. People I know, whether we're good friends or not, have parties, get togethers, hang out, etc., and I'm just never invited. I hear about it later, and occasionally get asked, "Hey, why weren't you there?" It's hard to say "because no one bothered to tell me about it." It just sounds like I'm whining or feeling sorry for myself... and that may be true, but it's just better to say it's because I'm "busy." Which is also probably true. Maybe that's why I'm never invited - I'm a busy person, so people just assume I wouldn't make time for them. How lame. Don't they realize that I'd much rather make time for them than for the "pressing" matters of my every day life?
I think I'm lonely. And it's not anyone else's fault.
And as much as I enjoy every minute I spend with him, I don't want my boyfriend to be my only friend. That just isn't healthy.
My kitty misses me when I'm gone...
