September 02, 2003 - 11:06 a.m.
Do I even want to explain?
As I'm sobbing, he tells me I ruined his night - but the way he looks at me (or doesn't) tells me that he means to blame me for more...
He makes it about him.
"What's wrong? Tell ME Tell ME Tell ME!!!" Unrelentless.
"It's not about you." I want to say. "Don't make this about you." But I can't even speak - the sadness is crippling to my speech. "Can't you just ignore the WHY and just be there for me anyway? Stop thinking about how my pain is ruining your night, and see how my pain is ruining ME at this moment?
Can you be compassionate and comforting? Please? These tears didn't pop out of nowhere, just to spite you. They come from a place deep inside of me - a place you can't really go - so please, just pull me back with love - into your arms, into your kisses, into you warmth - instead of angrily thrusting me further away."
But I don't say this. I only sob. Because I don't know how to explain.
It's not something he will understand. Firstly, because he can't go back and walk the paths of my life, and secondly, because we operate on different emotional levels.
Does anyone remember that old loony toons cartoon, where Daffy is tormented by his "creator"? A huge pencil keeps popping in to screw up his world, or to erase and add things that don't belong. At one point, his world goes black - he's crushed by the weight of what seems like a thick curtain or something... And he tries to prop it up with a stick, but it's too heavy. Everything is collapsing and he can't breath and the weight is unbareable and he finally loses it. He starts kicking and screaming and tearing every bit of that curtain to shreds until he's out of breath and his eyes are bloodshot and he looks as though he'll never come back from over the edge...
Inside, that's how I felt - that was my battle. Everyone's far-away eyes, and intoxicated giggles, and false-philosophical babble, and deeply broken hearts... That was the curtain that fell over me, and that's what I wanted to rip apart.
I was conceived in a world of drugs. I was born with drugs in my system. From the time I was born until my adolescence, my life was a fog of smoke (of every kind), a desert of various powders, and an ocean of drinks.
My father worked grave shifts, and so he wasn't there. But he and my mother weren't ever there in a different way too. And so were all of their friends. I didn't know a single sober adult. And later I didn't know any sober kids either. My dad doesn't remember suffocating me until I passed out when I was 4, and my mother doesn't remember throwing a rocking chair across the room at my 7-year-old sister. But I do. And sure - there were "good" times. Birthday cakes, and flying kites, and climbing and then running down the mountain... But they don't remember those moments either - everything was lost in the fog...
And don't you dare look at me and think that I just need to "get over it." That's my point - I AM over it - and I've promised myself that I'll never go BACK to it. When I was a child, I didn't have a choice. Now that I do - other conflicts arise. I'd say that 9 out of 10 people I know use drugs. 1 out of 5 abuse them. I've helped a friend through her heroine addiction - and she's alive, thankfully, and doing so well. I've been the sober "mommy" at so many parties where everyone seems to be on one or two or three different substances at once.
Most of the time, I'm ok. I accept my role as the sober one - the caretaker. I can understand people wanting to "let loose" and have a good time. I can understand needing to get away from a hard day once in a while. I can understand wanting to reach new heights, and explore yourself and others...
But sometimes I'm not ok. Sometimes being the only one "there" is harder than you'd imagine. Sometimes it makes me want to not be there myself. And sometimes it takes me far too close to the nightmare of my childhood. And I feel so sad...
Everyone wants to be happy. Wants laughter and smiles, and love. Everyone wants their lives to be made up of a series of as many amazing and beautiful moments as possible.
But what do you do when you wake up one morning and realize you weren't there for all those amazing moments? That you can't really remember them clearly, that you can't conjure up those feelings again? Some turn back to whatever drug happens to be within reach, just trying to get back those moments --- when they could be inventing new moments with the presence of mind to remember the details and the realization that they can reach those highs on their own, whenever they want, just by choosing to.
It just fills me with such unexplainable sorrow to think that life isn't good enough sometimes for people - that really "being there" isn't the best thing in the world...
And please don't look on all this as my judgement of you or someone else. I don't think anyone is less of a person for being high or low from a drug, but they are undeniably different, changed. And next time there's a drugfest, if I happen to be there, I'll probably be just fine - I don't blame anyone else for the way I feel. It's my own shit, and honestly, I'm grateful for it.
August 24, 2003 - 2:31 p.m.
tough titties!!!
it's really hard for me to shrug off negativity from other people... it's always taken a huge effort on my part. many times i am successful, but there are times when i just want to crawl in a hole somewhere - which is probably what some people would prefer anyway...
Judgements made - who knows when... or based on... what?
No efforts nor interests in getting to know Me or what I am really all about.
I don't know what twisted versions someone has painted of me in their mind...
And it's hard for me to say I don't care.
Perhaps it's the ideal of fairness that I still hold so dear to my heart and mind even though life has time and again proved otherwise...
And anyone would probably tell me - "oh well - their loss..." But it's not a loss to them if they don't see any value in me in the first place. So I'm the one left feeling frustrated and irritated - they've already convinced themselves that I'm not worth knowing...
And it's not that I am absorbing their thoughts of me, or at all believing that I am worth any less because they are blind - it's just goes back to that sense of fairness... knowing that any words that come out of their mouths in regards to me are tinted with judgemental negativity, when they've never even seen a drop of what's in my mind, or my heart.
It's hard to be a tough titty sometimes. But I keep trying.
August 23, 2003 - 10:35 p.m.
crawling inside, i think i am bleeding
forces within me...
in which direction am I growing?
i feel so full, but I am still lacking that place...
the place where i feel at home, where everything is comfortable, where any discomfort lies within my own hands and can therefore be mended.
i am afraid that place is so far away...
and i don't have a map. and there are really no such thing as directions, and there is no one to ask, and no one to take me there...
where is the shining star?
August 08, 2003 - 11:39 a.m.
I'm excited
I think I'm on a streak of good luck... I was trying not to get too excited for when the luck runs out... But that's lame. So I'm just gonna be excited and deal with any non-goodness when it does hit.
I love my boyfriend.
I love my life.
I love being me.
I love that everything I do is up to me. I always have choices, even when something seems impossible, I can make it happen - it's all in what I'm willing to sacrifice in exchange. Most of that amounts to time for me.
Oh - and I think it's a good time to buy lottery tickets. Yup.
August 07, 2003 - 5:12 p.m.
Melting into a sea of flowers...
Ash is so lovely.
August 05, 2003 - 7:32 p.m.
Beginning an equal exchange...
I see two beautiful people - both young, both searching for their place in the world.
One gives of himself relentlessly because he knows that everything he gives makes the world a better place, and he feels lucky to be a part of that. And isn't it funny that this generous soul is seen as needy by many-the-common eye?
Another holds everything back, believing that because they feel a hole inside that anything they give wouldn't be good enough. So they absorb until they feel guilty, because they haven't been giving in return. It's not about selfishness, it's more about a feeling of inadequacy. And isn't it funny that this foolish soul is seen by many to be wise?
So what is the balance between these two souls? The giver needs to learn how to take - and hold up their new treasure for the other to see:
SEE? This came from you. It's whole, it's complete, it's good, it's beautiful - it's enough.
And the other needs to see this to believe it. The other needs to learn how to feel good about giving. Then, perhaps a true exchange can begin.
I wish them both luck and love.
August 05, 2003 - 12:30 p.m.
Homeless
I really miss having a home. I haven't had a home in over a year. No place to call my own. I've had roofs over my head, but that's not my point here.
I miss getting off work, knowing that I'm on my way home, to my home, where I can do anything I please, by myself or with whomever I please. Now, I have to make plans because everything takes so much driving time. And when plans get thrown off even a little bit, there's no place for me to go until I'm out of limbo.
I miss going shopping for just me - buying every little treat I want, not having to share a kitchen or a bathroom, or a livingroom. I miss nakedness.
I miss having complete control over noise levels. I can have my quiet, or spastic clamor. I can open my voice to the world, without worrying about offending anyone else's ears.
I miss the pride and comfort I used to feel for the homes I created for myself.
I feel longing in my heart.
August 05, 2003 - 12:27 p.m.
Excitement
I want to be excited...
Sometimes I squash those kinds of feelings inside because I don't feel safe to express them...
Sometimes certain people squash those feelings becasue they can't be happy for me or share in my excitement - that always gets me down...
I want to play loud music, jump up and down screaming with joy, eat an ice cream sunday, and giggle until my toes ache. Anyone think they could share that state of mind with me?
August 03, 2003 - 6:02 p.m.
Where's my twin?
If there were two of me:
I could eat ice cream and run a mile at the same time.
I could do laundry and go dancing at once.
I could be conservative and trashy in the same moment.
I could be here and there, and it would be great.
I could have my cake and eat a pie too.
I could work and play in the same day.
I could sit at home and travel simultaneously.
I could rub my tummy, pat my head, jump up and down on one foot, and read a book while swinging in a hammock all at the same time.
Or maybe I just need more time to be ME.
August 01, 2003 - 11:30 p.m.
A pleasant void
Something new...
Among many other differences between my current relationship and the relationships of my past: I'm not waiting for it to end...
Before, even when things were going "good" with people, my mind always wandered toward "how's this going to end..?" Imagining it, playing it out in my head, pondering if it's me or them; strategizing almost...
Now, I'm not even thinking about it. When I try for the sake of examination, I draw a blank.
August 01, 2003 - 7:11 p.m.
Brain Consumption.
I think I am not I.
I am I and me.
I am two or three, but never one.
I think I am afraid. I think I've hit yet another turning-point in my life. I think I didn't prepare myself well enough. I think I am excited. I think I am grateful. I think that as a whole person, I am beautiful, even if the individual pieces of me aren't the shiniest, or the brightest, or the newest, or the greatest... I think my life will only get better, because I am in control. I think that I will only get better, because I am so eager to learn. I think that I've missed my room lately - my own space - my pillows and my chirping birds and my blank white walls that only serve to calm me when they might stress others. I think I will do whatever I can to afford my own place - no roommates - because I need more time for me, and when I'm around anyone it is in my nature to divide myself - to provide them with something. I think I need to reel some of my kites in and see what stardust has collected on their wings... I think I need to not to be so disappointed when others do not do as I do - my expectations for myself should not be projected upon everyone else. I think I need to find a balance between that and not lowering my expectations too far either - not letting anyone take advantage of me. I think I need to figure out if there is something missing or if it's only my eyes that are not seeing... I think there are too many versions of reality for me to ever find a real truth. I think I need to stop typing repetitive sentences and go do something productive like laudry, or eating... I think I'm on the edge. And I think I could laugh hysterically, jump for joy, sing a love song, and weep unconsolably, in the same moment, now or never. I think I am fragile. I think I need to be cared for. Really. And I can only do so much for myself - there are just those spots where I can't reach...
July 31, 2003 - 1:02 p.m.
ugh... glad that moment has passed.
so, the pendulum never ceases...
I am happy. I have a new job. I am lucky. I wasn't even qualified for said job, but not only do they have faith in my ability, but they like me so much they're willing to wait for me until I get back from camping and burning. I have 200 in credit to spend as I please at Vicky's. I have my new book of apartments to look through (although I think they all might be out of my price range.) I want to do something creative today. I want to do something fun today. So far, I've just sat around naked. This is also one of my favorite things to do.
July 26, 2003 - 6:51 p.m.
Times like these...
It's just a moment, I know it will pass... Just like the rest...
But every time I hear her voice I want to smash something to pieces, scream until my throat bleeds and starts coming out in shredded bits of flesh. Being around her makes me want to kill myself. Knowing that there is that much ugliness and evil in a human being, and that she is in this world and there is nothing I can do about it - it makes me want to die. I hate this feeling more than any other. I can take a broken heart; I can survive disease, fractured bones, starvation... But when hatred is poured onto you like acid oozing out from every direction, there is no escape.
You just have to shut up - take it, and walk away. And the tears I cry - the rage inside - each one packed like a bullet, but they don't hit her - they only dig into my heart. She is emotionally bullet proof.
And why I feel the most rage: it seems unjust that I should feel this hatred. I didn't ask for it. It doesn't help me. It doesn't make me better, or stronger. It only makes me hate myself. I want nothing more than to love. And I hate that I can't love her. Her existence makes it impossible. I wish she had succeeded in her pathetic attempts at slashing her wrists when she was young - before she came into full form. The world is not a better place with her in it.
And I hate myself for thinking this way, for feeling this way, and for writing this all...
I hate that all the beauty in the world can be shadowed for a moment by someone like her. My sister. No, never.
And I apologize for spilling this hatred forth - I have just absorbed so much for so many years. This is my only voice for this pressure. Now that it's been released, I am sad, but I am better.
July 24, 2003 - 10:41 a.m.
work
One down - one to go...
I just had a phone interview with an investment company. I think it went fairly well. Maybe not great - I feel like I didn't research the company enough. You know, when the interviewer asks you what you know about their company. That's a typical question, but somehow I always forget to prepare for it.
Now I'm off to my next interview - this is the one I think I want more. I just hope they don't want me to start immediately - I have 3 weeks of wet and dry fun planned! *Crossing my fingers*
I've been submitting my resume *everywhere* for months!!! I've only had 2 responses. It's better than NO responses. I think the job market sucks, for people who are out of work certianly - but for people who have jobs as well, because employers know that there are thousands of people out there that would take your place in an instant, so they think they don't have to treat you well, or pay you fairly. It's 2 sides of the same coin. More and more people are feeling disposable. Ick. So now everyone works twice as hard, for half the money, to make themselves indispensable. What an exploitation of hard-working people.
July 22, 2003 - 3:54 p.m.
Trigger Happy
Okay, so these aren't the best pics I've ever taken nor will ever take... I just ran around my yard snapping stuff so I could test my new camera (Can*n G5) and software, etc. I kept the camera on auto, and now I know what immediate adjustments I'm going to make.
:)
Peaches. There could be nothing better than the warm, fuzzy, juiciness of a fresh peach...
Wild strawberries. They're so dainty. When I was a little kid I tried to collect wild strawberries and make a milkshake. It was not so good.
The door to my room. I like my room. It's safe and warm (if a little too hot at times.) It's quaint. I want to take my room with me wherever I go. The thing of it is - I very well could. It's completely portable! (We couldn't get a permit to add on any permanent structures on the property, so as long as it can be moved...)
Some people may look at my doorstep and think "uninviting..." I think it's sweet, and protective of me.
My room is very small. It is only a bedroom. No bathroom. No closet. It's really more of an "office" I suppose. But it suits me. If I had an air-conditioner I don't think I would leave this space very often.
So, those are some of the first random shots I took. I can't wait to play some more, learn all the settings and fun stuff!!! Oh, and I'll take a picture of my poodle-cat if she ever stops hiding. :)
July 22, 2003 - 3:37 p.m.
YIPPEEEEEEE!!!
I got my new camera - I'm going out and taking pictures... will post soon!
