January 06, 2004 - 8:33 p.m.
9 to 5 --- I wish!
10 to 12 hours a day - I work hard at making everyone else look good to their superiors and feel good about their jobs. I have really one of the coolest bosses ever, but the fact is that I am doing her job for her a lot of the time. My deadlines count on things that she can't seem to get done, so I do them for her... the other problem is that when she does try to do things herself, she fucks up, so I just have to do it again anyway... Here's the dilemma: she won't really accept criticism from me - she's my boss, so I'm supposed to listen to her... if I tell her I can't do her work for her anymore, she'll do it herself and everything will be wrong and she will look bad - and so will I because I will have turned it in for her... If I go to her superior and tell them they need to train her, they'll think she's incompetent, and I do not want to see her get fired. She is an important part of my office, even if she's just the bright smile, pretty face, and ultra-queen of the industry who knows everyone and their mothers --- that in itself makes her valuable. So I am working overtime every day, i don't even take a lunch break. Sometimes I feel so stupid for letting myself get into this situation, but other times I see that it was all conscious choices along the way that got me to this point, so it must be for something, right? I feel good about how much I do accomplish on a daily basis --- even if her work comes first, and mine is piling up endlessly... And I must remember, above all, I am gaining experience. If it matters one day, it should matter now too.
January 06, 2004 - 8:30 p.m.
like a ton of bricks
ok... so I'm a little concerned. I am having chest pains... With every breath I take I feel a pain rip through from the center of my chest to my spine. Nothing moves, it just hurts. lifting my shoulders or stretching anything does NOT help. Maybe I should just lie down - oh wait, my bed has turned into a storage area. Shit.
January 05, 2004 - 11:30 p.m.
withdrawn
Lately I can't really look anyone in the eyes without crying. It makes me want to hide - which is probably the last thing I should do...
January 03, 2004 - 11:15 a.m.
Perspectives suck ass.
So I tell him that I'm pretty sure his friends would rather hang out with just him... And he says "No - you're being stupid and insecure." Hmmm, I thought I was being realistic and considerate... And I'm also sick of being a tag-along.
I need friends - not just people that feel obligated to include me as an extension of him. His friends are all amazing people - and I'm amazing too in my own way - but I'm just different from them. Not in a good or bad way - just different. I don't much relate, at least on a lot of levels I've seen so far... And I really haven't seen that many levels I guess, but I don't see me getting to know anyone any better either...
Like I said - I think they'd rather just hang out with him. And, no, I don't think I'm being insecure - I think I am being realistic.
I really don't like that any time I express my thoughts or feelings my boyfriend automatically boils it down to me being insecure. If that's how he sees me - why the hell is he with me?
A-hem, sidenote: I don't mean to minimize anyone's efforts to get to know me - and I appreciate that everyone is friendly toward me... Really, this post doesn't apply to everyone as a whole, so I hope I haven't pinched anyone's nerves... I really do hope to get to know people better, but if that doesn't happen, I don't want to look on it as a failure on my or anyone else's part - it just is the way it is, ya know? I guess this is my way of letting myself and everyone else off the hook... It's kind of like going to visit your grandmother, and there's this kid down the street that she insists you be best friends with immediately... Only that kid doesn't like to play fort and you don't like to play my little ponies... I think I should stop trying to make sense... I guess I just miss having friends of my own...
January 02, 2004 - 10:14 p.m.
2 days
I went 2 days without bleeding - yay for me (and, um, us!) I really miss having sex every day. But my stupid crampy bloated tummy and bloodiness hasn't allowed that in quite a while... Hmmm, my diary is getting more graphic in nature - and I'm not sure in a good way... Oh well!!! This is my life.
December 31, 2003 - 12:37 p.m.
A glimmer of hope?
I went to the doctor this morning... Got a new prescription to stop the bleeding. This is good. But it will probably make my skin worse - and my mood. This is not good.
But I actually enjoyed my time in the waiting room. There was a woman with a little boy - and I was struck by how good of a parent she seemed... She was attentive, didn't roll her eyes at his questions, and when he stood up on the seat all she had to do was whisper that she would like him to sit down so his shoes wouldn't be on the seat, and he immediately sat down - no whining! She didn't look angry or embarassed - she was just calm and effective - and her son listened to her. It really was so nice to see. It's such a rarity these days. Most of the time what I see in public are parents doing their best to ignore their children and making everyone else suffer for it - until they do something over-the-edge (and even then they sometimes don't do a damn thing about it) and then the parent becomes angry and embarassed and takes it out on the kid - when it was their own fault that the kid is the way it is... When I see children throwing things on the floor in a store, or screaming at the top of their lungs in the restaurant - I'm not mad at the kid, I'm angry with the parents --- and disappointed.
Birth-Control needs to be MANDATORY until you've proven yourself CAPABLE of raising children - not just conceiving them!
Ok, my rant is done for now...
Sighhhhhh.
December 30, 2003 - 7:32 p.m.
I'd be a better person if I didn't say anything...
But this icky feeling just won't go away. In the end (the beginning, and the middle) it really, truly is none of my business... But I think I preferred it when everyone hated her. I have no personal feelings toward her myself, except the ick that comes with the territory, so somehow everyone else's loathing made it easier for me.
Sure, I should be happy that another source of negativity is gone from the world, but if I am true to myself I must admit that, no, I am not happy.
December 28, 2003 - 11:23 p.m.
rebirth
yes, i think it's about time.
I want a smile to stretch for miles - across my face and everyone else's.
I want warmth and beauty to envelope me.
What starts from within to surround and abound and renew and grow exponentially...
Here's a thought I had: About Art.
For me, art became a necessary outlet for expression - getting out what otherwise would have eaten me alive inside... My poetry, my sketches, my film and video work - all developed from a place of suffering.
So, I think that perhaps there is a good reason for me to have withdrawn from those creative outlets: I don't want to share my pain anymore in that way. If I am in pain, I no longer want to deal with it by throwing it out into the world. I'd rather have those that care about me help me through the tough times.
Back to the point: I want to make people smile. I want to spark happiness with my art. A memory of goodness, a feeling of contentment, in awe of beauty, a joy in life. I think this is a greater challenge for any artist. I think it's fairly easy for most people to relate to artistic expressions of frustrations, fears, and sadness... The more primal, the more universal... But what about happiness? I think it is harder for an artist to express because happiness is not universal. Everyone has their own versions. So my new challenge for myself is to find the primal nature of joy, and express it in such a way that there can be no mistaking what it is... This is going to bring me to places I haven't been before, and I am excited.
December 28, 2003 - 3:32 p.m.
Professional Student
I miss going to school. I miss lectures and learning and challenging myself... Once you hold a bachelor's degree, continuing your education becomes so much more expensive. 1 - parents are no longer assisting in the costs. 2 - educational institutions assume that since you are a college graduate, you must be making enough money to pay more...
I want to take some classes. I want to meet people with similar interests. Photography, art, literature... Does anyone know of a good Saturday program for photography that doesn't cost hundreds of dollars? Any other suggestions?
