January 11, 2003 - 9:32 am
Where's my head?
Woke up much too early this morning, and out of a terrible dream... I always wonder if my dreams are purely my paranoid brain giving me trouble, or more of reality showing itself in a strange light...
Obviously the one I had about crash-landing an airplane in the middle of a huge city where all of the buildings were burning to the ground all around - well that's not my reality, but it might be for someone in the world.
This morning, it was more personal, and had real people, and real emotions, and real expressions, and I don't think I have the guts to speak about the specifics lest they come true in any sense...
I'm feeling very alone these days. I spend so much time getting into and trying to get out of character for this show I'm in, and it's really tough. I'm so exhausted I feel like I can't interact to the outside world. And it doesn't seem that anyone in my life is any more willing than I am to put in the effort. There is something boiling up inside of me, and I can't identify it yet, but I am nervous about what it will be when it finally shows itself...
I'm feeling anxious, and bruised.
I don't feel like letting anyone hurt me ever again - I fear I might stop taking any chances at all... But that might hurt too...
