February 24, 2003 - 2:07 a.m.
Amazing Realization...
I discovered some time ago that I have a fear of success. Through much pondering, I traced it back to a fear of commitment, and while that is no less true, there is a stronger, more forceful element here...
My fear of being successful and alone. I am afraid of having no one to share my success with... Every major change that's happened in my life - it means leaving people behind, either because they can't or won't come with me... I'm so afraid of waking up with all the success I could ever imagine, but feeling more alone than I would have if I'd dedicated my life to managing a gas station...
I'm so envious of groups of people, like ensembles, bands, or couples, that have eachother to share and celebrate their success with... It would be so nice to know that no matter how "good" things got, I'd always have others to share it with - that's the only thing that seems to make it worth it. What's the point of success if I end up alone in a giant house, with a giant view, and a giant life, and only giant emptiness to go along with it...
But on the other side... I have to try to remember that there will probably be someone (or many) new waiting for me to share my success with once I get there. I must visualize this.
