March 26, 2003 - 8:26 p.m.
What sounds like such a great chain of achievements.....
I started kindergarten at 4 years old, was put in a 3rd grade class when I was in 2nd grade, then tested out of high school at 15 so that I could go directly to community college. I worked full-time, so it took me three years to get my AA (with honors). Then I took a year off of school and just worked, afraid of my own momentum I guess... I then transferred to a CA University, and graduated in two years with my bachelor's degree in Film and Digital Media...
And yet... I graduated and acted like nothing happened... As if I never went to school at all... I now work at a school - in the office... What am I doing??? (Yes, I have the excuse I mustered up back in June of last year: health concerns... but how far did I let that hold me back? Sigh.)
Part of it is feeling disappointed in my university experience... while surely gaining a great education - those areas specific to my field of interest were so incredibly lacking. There were just too many students competing for too little in resources, classes, equipment, and facilities. I don't feel that I really have the skills, even if I have a degree. So, if I am really going to go for what I want to do, I have to go back to school. This is scarey... Student loans for a private art school (which is the only way I can really gain the hands-on experience I need) are soooo frightful. And Pops has been out of work for over a year - there's no way he could help with tuition or housing... There is Auntie, but I've asked so much of her already in my life - and I owe her so much - I don't want to get myself into a debt I know I can't ever repay... So what do I do? I don't have connections, I can't afford to go get an internship to bypass the school thang (no way to pay rent or buy food on what little or nothing they'd pay - and no time for another job...) Aaaargh... I know I will find the answer... It's just so daunting right now...
I'm watching all these kids at my school getting ready to graduate, applying to college, planning their futures, and it just hits me hard to think that I haven't really started my own future yet... So, the time is now... I'm working on my resume, planning a portfolio, and have begun to turn the cogs and sprockets to find the solution to the living and financial sitches... Peice of cake, right?
Heh. I think I'm gonna go dig myself a hole instead - that's what I've always done in turning points in my life - turned away from the possibilities... I'm screaming at myself. My vision is blurred from the vibration of the shouting in my brain... Aach. What is my obsession with setting myself up for failure?
NO more damn it! I don't care if my sister is bitter and my mom is sad - I'm gonna DO what I WANT to DO!
