May 05, 2003 - 6:53 p.m.
WARNING: y'all might want to skip this one
Letter to Eenami:
It's three years today. Three years since that decision was made - no turning back - and it was a relief. No doubts, it was the right choice. It is also the deepest scar I carry. I killed something trying to grow inside of me - when instinct should have made me nurturing and caring - I rejected a life. Your life - and a version of mine that I couldn't see myself surviving through - being tied to him forever...
He, who presented love's imitation only, draining the life out of me, and offering my image to his friends and acquaintances to rape. I'm relieved you didn't live to see the nightmare of a father you'd have had - a selfish, manipulative leech... Yes, it was best that he never met you. He would have forever tainted you as, I fear, he did me. Today, I seethe will fury at the "difference" he made in my life. Tomorrow, I turn away from that past again.
But I wish you well, little spirit. I hope you've found a nice home somewhere. Perhaps I'll see you for a moment in the glint of a darling child's eyes. Forgive me - I wanted you to have a chance at happiness.
With love,
your unmother
P.S. Yes, I am selfish. Yes, I am blunderful. Yes, I will always hold this lament in my heart. But I will smile for you - in honor of you - I will share in life's joy - this is all that I can offer - or else your death would be for naught. So on this day, I remember you. Forgive me for my prayers that tomorrow I will forget.
Yeah, I could really use a hug right now. Maybe a tub of ice cream, and a stupid movie, a foot rub...
