September 17, 2003 - 8:51 p.m.
Hi, my name is pom-pom
I just got my hairs cut. I've been trying to grow my hair out for a year now. I was finally making progress since my hair grows very slowly. I went to a girl, recommended by someone I know and trust, to get a trim. A trim. I told her - she confirmed...
So why do I look like a friggin English Sheep Dog now???
September 2003 - 9:11 p.m.
And in a cloud of dust... we were gone
So, the pendulum swings... And I hope this post brings forth some communication and openness, and not what I fear as anger and resentment and retreat.
I begin:
This conversation has been altered. It has been formatted to fit this screen. It has been edited to protect the wicked and shameful, hopeful and sorrowful... (Me.)
her: so did you and he talk on the way back?
me: hmmm. talk. definition please?
her: hehehe
her: i'll take that as a no
me: we yelled a bit. then I decided that i just wasn't willing to put that much energy into arguing with him
me: it wasn't worth it
[I was too hurt and too tired... there were just hours of silence.]
me: so the shitty thing is it looks like I gave up or conceded or told him he was right...
me: and now it's like acid in my mouth
her: lame
me: yeah... I'm just having a hard time being in my own skin right now.... I just feel like things changed for me that night/morning at BM...
me: i just hate that he never seems happy to see me
her: so what do you think you're gonna do?
me: I don't know.
me: so. ya wanna fly kites this weekend?
me: I just feel like i could lay down in the park and watch a kite for a while
me: i wanna giggle and eat candy
her: yes
her: i want to do that
me: YAY!!!
[then after remembering what it was like to be the light in someone's eyes, and going down the list of my married-with-children exes]
her: so is marriage something you're looking for
me: actually - yes. and no.
me: marriage isn't the "thing" I'm looking for... but the relationship that I want between myself and someone else that constitutes a marriage
her: i c
her: how old are you?
me: i want to be with someone who is aware of what a relationship takes, and accepts that it's an active decision that one must make every day - to maintain, and re-choose to be with that person again and again
me: I'm a youngin'
me: so, no, I'm not in a rush to get married
her: okie
me: but I want the relationships I am in to be equally satisfying
me: if I were to ask him, he'd probably say he is satisfied...
me: and then he'd probably think to himself that I was being insecure
her: blah
me: how can I be with someone that doesn't light up when he sees me?
her: yeah
me: he hasn't made himself vulnerable even once in the ten months we've been together
me: he's great in a lot of ways... but he's emotionally unavailable... and for me, that's not a good fit
her: you've been together that long?
me: yeah
me: It's been almost a year
me: what's wierd is that the other night... I was having an emotional low...
me: and he was comforting me... more like I was forcing him to talk to me
me: I kept asking him questions
me: and he seems so optimistic about our relationship
her: ummmmmmm
her: weird
her: maybe he likes things the way they are: with no communication
me: I wasn't really talking about us much at all... I was talking more about life in general, and work, and the crazy shit that is life
me: and I asked him where he saw me in 5 years... just to see how he sees me... ya know - is it any way like how I see myself...
me: and he just says: "With me."
her: woa
me: now, normally, that would be one of those gushy, flutter-by moments where the violins start to play
me: but it wasn't
her: :-(
me: I guess it seemed insincere to me
me: maybe it's just that he thought it was what I wanted to hear
me: i don't know
her: maybe he means it
her: maybe he just doesn't know how to show emotion
me: maybe...
[but i get no indication that that is really what he wants...]
me: ok, so where does one buy a kite these days? It's been so long... so long that when I last flew a kite I don't think I knew what shopping was
her: toys r us
me: hmmm, must seek out this US of Toys
I want to see the light. it's now or never... right?
And yet, here we are. And I'm still in love with you, hoping for the best... Hoping to see that the light in my heart is reflected in your own... Can you just smile at me once in a while? (And I don't mean just after you fart...)
I love you. If that's not enough to make you sing with laughter and jump for joy, then... what is?
