October 15, 2003 - 4:09 p.m.
a tissue, please
I am a bum today. I did not get out of bed until 3 pm, when I answered the phone to hear the warm and lovely sound of my boyfriend's voice.
I did not go to work. My head is filled with gunk. But my heart is filled with love. If it didn't hurt to bend over, I would clean up this place a bit. If it didn't make me dizzy to stand for loong, I'd do some dishes.
But about all I can muster is sitting upright at this computer, typing slowly, thoughts rambling about in my head. My fingers are not cooperating with me. I have corrected nearly every word I have typed so far. Blaaach.
Sicky sux.
I want a bowl of soup, a loaf of bread, and a hot apple pie for desert - with vanilla ice cream.
Ok, so work:
I like my job. I like my office. I like my salary. My level of stress has risen quite a bit, but it is not making me angry because I asked for it. The stress tells me that I am being challenged, and that makes me excited. I think I am doing a pretty good job so far, and I think I will only get better. The most challenging part of it all is going to be actually managing other people. I can do my daily assigned tasks, no prob, but devising an effective way of making sure everyone else is doing their job to the best of their ability and to the satisfaction of the company - that is where I get nervous. I have to personalize my approach with each employee. I am only the official supervisor to two other people, but I have to manage an office of ten, which means I have to get the other 7 people to follow the program as well... Mostly, so far it's really been about learning the daily, weekly, and monthly chores, and dealing with people's personal feelings and issues. This latter part is the area in which I feel I need to improve.
Ok, so my new place:
Oh, is it tiny! It's a studio, with a full-size bathroom, and decent closet. The living area consists of a 13x15 floor space, with the kitchen counters taking up one entire wall, my desk with the bathroom and closet doors another, and my bed in the corner. 4 windows span the front wall, and there is a LOT of lighting, which I like. The floor is all tile, which means that I need to buy a rug so my toes don't freeze when I get out of bed in the morning. The studio is new, it only had one other lady live in it - and only for 3 weeks. That means it doesn't smell like anyone else! Yippeeeeee! And I think my kitty will be happy here.
Ok, so my boyfriend:
I love 'im.
While it's clear that we need more time apart - being that we've spent nearly every day and night together for the past three months - and we've both been neglecting our personal time and creativity and nurturing, I can say that he's my guy.
I'm not the kind of person that likes just any warm body next to me a night. But Boris - mmmmm - that's what I want.
I don't think I can adequately describe the way I feel about him and the way it feels to be around him. My body doesn't feel like just plain mine anymore - it's like I am a vessel for a higher energy. My skin feels like it could flow like liquid, my breath is a thick mist, my heart feels like it could start and stop with each kiss...
This is the man I love:
He's tall, with dark hair and dark eyes. He's gentle and strong. Music is his inspiration - sound is his dearest sense. (Which is why an ear infection can bother him so much.) He is generous with his time and energy. He is a completely self-sufficient adult, but will never let go of the child within. I can, and do, laugh with him. Our bodies fit together like water droplets enmeshing on a smooth surface - becoming one. And yet we are complete as ourselves - by ourselves. We've rolled on the grasses on the other side, and have found this side to be much more satisfying, and inspiring, and enabling of our goals.
We don't always agree, and we are getting better at talking about this. I see us only growing together - as individuals adn as one.
I have little jars of sadness in my life, and I find myself getting closer to letting them fly from my hands over a cliff, swallowed by the ocean that never forgets so that I am left only to be happy.
September 24, 2003 - 8:42 p.m.
Oh, yeah...
And, I love you.
September 24, 2003 - 8:15 p.m.
I don't even know what to say...
I'd shut myself off from pretty much everything lately. Reasons unimportant. But in the past few weeks I've realized that the internet has been serving as a very large part of my interactions with the rest of the world.
Well, since I've begun my knew job, I haven't really been on-line much. My computer at work is on a crazy network where they monitor everything I do... I can't even check my email... I'm so tired when I get home that I don't always check my email, much less go to the places I had become used to...
So what's my point?
I still don't know how to reach out to people. I used to think it was only a problem for me because it means I don't communicate my needs well... But now I've realized that it's just as bad or worse for the people I care about... People are in need, and because I haven't established stronger connections, I find myself unable to provide anything for them. I want to. I want to help. I want to hold a hand, and give a hug, a flower, a smile, a tissue box...
But where do I begin? I can't just cold-call someone in pain, expecting them to tell me what I should do. It's because of my feeble connections with people that I don't just know what to do automatically.
There are people like that, ya know? The kind of friends that know exactly what you need, even before you know yourself. When you can tell eachother anything, laugh cry sing scream dance jump tumble burp giggle and we'd be so happy to share all these things. I've had the blessings of those kind of friendships in my life. So why have I stopped developing them?
I think I put up more walls than I used to. Which must be pretty bad because I always thought my walls were so thick and tall ten years ago...
How do I tell you all that I want to be your teddybear? I may be skinny and boney, but I'm so soft inside that it must count for something. I feel so much for people. And yet I sit by myself in fear of putting myself out there for them.
On purely psychological terms, it must look like a fear of rejection. But I hate boiling things down to one word. We're all much too complicated for formulas.
So this is another feeble attempt at my reaching out. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to make sense of things in my head and tell you all in another way how much you mean to me... Everyone I know matters. You and you and you ARE my World. So if I'm out of touch with you, I'm out of touch with my world, and myself. With all the funny things, and scarey things, and happy things, and bitter things, and wonderful things, and strange things, and exciting things, and joyous things, and comforting things, and challenging things. It's all about people.
So, I guess the word of the day for me is:
HOPE.
